Monday, July 29, 2013

Are you interested?

There is a millionaire, his most favourate free time activities was to trim the grass of the beautiful big garden in front of his house. One day, as usual he put on his old and torn gardening suit and enjoying his gardening work.

A wealthy women pass by with her pet dog. Seeing the well-maintained garden, she calls out the millionaire with an very impolite and ego tune " you there gardener, get over here!"

The millionaire was silent for few second but he approaches the women "yes mam, what can I do for you?"

The women speak in a very rude tune "you gardening skill is not bad, how much did your lady boss pay you?"

The millionaire think for a while and answer politely " well, not much actually, she sleeps with me...are you interested?"

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second  thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in .... possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.'

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...

This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

The story of a great writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.

Don't climb that corporate ladder or your balls will become smaller

A recent study in USA have found an interesting relationship between a man social status and the sport he watches


  1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL

  2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employee is BOWLING

  3. The sport of choice for front line workers is American FOOTBALL

  4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL

  5. The sport of Choice for middle management is TENNIS

  6. the sport of Choice for corporate Officers is GOLF


CONCLUSION: The Higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become

Friday, July 26, 2013

DIRTY JOKE: Bob joined a nudist colony

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

The Huge Man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"

The Huge Man says, "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist, "May I help you?"

Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

The Receptionist was surprised, "But sir, you've only been here a couple of hours and you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.”

"Bob replies, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day."

ROLL OUT MORE HOSE

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings: we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings: we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings: we're on the fire truck ready to go.”

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1". The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

Then he yelled "BELL 2”, and the wife jumped into bed. Next he yelled "BELL 3", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4"

"What the hel_l is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

A priest and a bear

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.

That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him, and he couldn't move.

"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive..."

Ole the Catholic

When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole.

"Ole," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there's not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic."

Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it.

The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"

Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak:

"You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!"

Now tell HIM you have a headache

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. tell HIM you have a headache."

The superiority of gay love

Two gay men decide to have a baby.

They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.

"All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ass!"

Thursday, July 25, 2013

A cop and two Mexicans

Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast Highway on a motorcycle. They break down and start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the truck as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the truck so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies jokingly-- "Mexican eggs".

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a truck with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it - 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorcycle already.

God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

What a coincidence!

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.

He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I’m celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I’m celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"I’m a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

Bill and a cute little blonde

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said,'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days!'

'You only got 30 days for rape?!'

'Nah... for perjury.'

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Why women are smarter than men - Part 6

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

'Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship, 'the wife explained.

'He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well and I just act like I'm listening.'

Love Triangle

Daughter: Mum, I can't decide whether to choose A or B as my Boyfriend. How do I solve this "LOVE-Triangle" problem?

Mum: THREESOME

Yet another racist joke


Two white men were talking about black people in general

1: What does one black man call a white man?
2: Your honor.

1: What do ten black men call a white man?
2: Coach.

1: What do a hundred black men call a white man?
2: Warden.

Then my black friend came along and said

3: What do 100 million white men call a black man?
3: Mr President.

Just another dirty joke

Two married women were discussing their sex lives with each other. First one said, "I tattooed my hubby's initials across my butt. He gets such a thrill everytime I bend over for him..."

So the second one thought she should do the same and promptly got the initials "BB" tattooed across her butt, one "B" for each cheek, for Barry Brown was her man's name. Excitedly, she rushed home to prep herself for a lustful evening when Barry gets back from the office.

Soon the moment arrived and Barry turned the keys to enter his apartment. He was greeted by his very naked wife who promptly turned around and bent over to show him what she had done. Barry took a long look, then asked suspiciously, "Mary! Who the f*** is BOB???"

Last for today....... (Why most men are useless)


Quotation of the day from Bill Goates:-

Teach a man how to fish, and through hard work and perseverance, he could eat for a lifetime.

But teach a man how to use the internet so he can order fish online, and he'll probably end up watching porn.

'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Chrysler 300 C SRT8 every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'f*** him'.

Once upon a time not so long ago

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Why the f*ck are there six feet in this bed? There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Bullshit," said the wife, "you're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right."

WARNING: This is a racist joke. If you can't take it, butt off

10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden.

In his house.

.....but then again,

  1. President Clinton tried and failed.
  2. President Bush tried and failed.
  3. President Obama tried and succeeded.

The moral of this is...

If you want someone dead, hire a black man.

You have 1 year to live

Doctor: You have 1 year to live.

Frank:...What should I do?

Doc: Get married.

Frank: What...?

Doc: Trust me, in 4 months you will be happy to die.

Doctor, it hurts when I.........

A bloke goes to the doctor and says. "I got this sex problem doc."

The doctor asked, "Ok, tell me about your average day."

"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up at 3am for nookie and then again at 5 so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work."

"Oh I see", says the doc. "No, hang on". said the man." .... you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl everyday and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".

"Oh... now I see", said the quack. "No you dont" said our hero, "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom."

"Oh... now I see", said the quack. "No no you dont" he said "When I go lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm really fond of and we nip out for a quickie."

"Now I understand", says the patient doctor.

"No, hang on" said the bloke. "When I get back to office, my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll sack me."

"Ahh...", said the doctors, "now I see..."

"No, there's more", said the man, "when I get home, my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and sex again afterwards."

"So, whats your problem then?" ask the doc.

"Well....", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"

Monday, July 22, 2013

An old man vs a young man (MUST READ)

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?

Old Man: Certainly not.

Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to lose, if you tell me the time?

Old Man: Yes, I may lose something if I tell you the time.

Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?

Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me.
Then as a courtsey, I will offer you a cup of tea. After my courteous approach you will try to come again.This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it.?

Young Man: Possible

Old Man: Then I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty
daughter to you & you will admire my daughter.

Young Man: Smiles. ;)

Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.

Young Man: Smiles

Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After meeting regularly you will fall in
love with her and propose her for marriage.

Young Man: Smiles

Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission.

Young Man: Oh Yes! And smiles

Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person like you who does not even own a watch.

It's hard to be a teacher

A school teacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light. When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class. The judge looked at her sternly and said:

"So you're a school teacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write 'I went through a stop sign. 'FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!"

Friday, July 19, 2013

Cowboy and condoms

Cowboy: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"


Cowboy: "Nah! .. She ain't that ugly"

Monday, July 15, 2013

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven............

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that
the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. "No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

***

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

Scooby doobie doobies vs Hickory dickory dock

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu, in Africa, could enlarge breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there
in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'

'Yes I am. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock...'

Why a woman is cleverer than a man accountant

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, Social Security number,etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

A wife's thought

  1. The most perfect man in the world is her father
  2. The most abused husband in the world is her brother
  3. The most handsome man in the world is her son
  4. The luckiest and happiest man in the world is her sister's husband
  5. The most thankful man in the world is her son in law
  6. And the worst, most selfish, heartless, total jerk and the man with worst behavior in the world is her Husband

Thursday, July 11, 2013

How to marry a sexy beautiful blonde

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all envious. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."

His friends are fascinated, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

A nun and a miracle machine


A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I'll give it a try and see what it tells me.'

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in, out came a card that read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago'

The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same Card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read: 'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a Violin.'

The nun says to herself, 'I know that is wrong, I have never played a musical Instrument even once in my life.' she sat back down.

From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his Violin case on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the Violin, and started playing beautiful music.

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'this is incredible, I've got to try this again.'

Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out.

It read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you are going to Chicago and you are Going to break wind.' now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to Herself, 'I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life.' but getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, 'this is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again'. She went back to the machine, put in another nickel and another card came out.

It read: 'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have played and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago'.

Why all lawyers end up in hell


A charity organization realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Friday, July 5, 2013

Your horse just called

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation.

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied:-


"Your horse called."

Oppression of a housewife

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose:

  1. cooked breakfast for his mate, 
  2. awakened the kids, 
  3. set out their school clothes, 
  4. fed them breakfast, 
  5. packed their lunches, 
  6. drove them to school, 
  7. came home and picked up the dry cleaning, 
  8. took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, 
  9. went grocery shopping, 
  10. drove home to put away the groceries, 
  11. paid the bills and balanced the check book. 
  12. cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 1.00PM:

  1. and he hurried to make the beds, 
  2. do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. 
  3. ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home
  4. set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their homework 
  5. set up the ironing board and watched TV while ironing. 
At 4.30pm:

  1. began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad
  2. breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper
  3. after supper, He cleaned the kitchen 
  4. ran the dishwasher 
  5. folded laundry 
  6. bathed the kids and put them to bed. 
At 9.00pm. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:


'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Why Chinese is cleverer than typical American

A young American man touring China was lost in a forest when he came upon a small house.

Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.

'I'm lost,' said the man. 'Can you put me up for the night?'

'Certainly,' the Chinese man said, 'but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.'

'OK,' said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, he entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was bviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

'Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.'

'Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about.'

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read 'Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.'

In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,

'Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.'

Why parents should not lie to their children

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "b***h" and the woman called the man a "bast**d".

Their son walked in and said "What does b***h and bast**d mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titt**s" and the man said "feel my d**k".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titt**s and d**k mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "F**k" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you b****es and bastards, put your d***s and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen f*****g the turkey!