Sunday, June 30, 2013

A not so dirty joke or why I hate golfers!

Frank and his buddies were hanging out and planning a 5-day golf trip.

Unfortunately‚ he had to tell them that he couldn't go because his wife wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling‚ Frank headed home totally frustrated.

The following week when Frank's buddies arrived at the golf resort‚ they were shocked to see Frank sitting in the lobby‚ drinking a beer‚ holding his putter!

"How did you talk your wife into letting you go‚ Frank?"

"I didn't have to‚" Frank replied.

"Last I night I slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.

Then‚ my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said‚ 'Surprise.'

When I peeled her hands back‚ she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and said‚ 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed‚ and you can do whatever you want'

Hey doc! Please don't sleep with your patients

The bar is nearly came to its closing hour when the bar tender noticed there was a man sitting beside the window and loooking so depressed. The bartender as a good Samaritan closing up to the depressed man and this is the conversation that happens:

Bartender : Excuse me sir, but i can't help but noticing you had a very depressed look on your face, tell me what happened?

Depressed man: I'm a doctor and i just slept with one of my patient.

Bartender : and?

Depressed man: I felt so guilty,and i also got bitten on my neck..(showing his neck)

Bartender : Oh my,that is one nasty bite..but i assure you sir,its normal for a doctor to sleep with their patient

The man look at the bartender with a tear filled eyes before bursting a cry..

Depressed man: But i'm a freaking vet!!!!

Man driver vs woman driver: Guess who is cleverer

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, B * TCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Last for today: One big dirty joke

Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye. After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.

Johnny’s answer was, "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your f...a...ther asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer".

The following morning Johnny comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.

But the day after that Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.

"My goodness Johnny, why the black eye again?"

He tells her, "Mam, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?'... and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving, you know, at the same time Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"... Then my father asks my mother, 'Are you coming?' Then my mom says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'. They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm also coming ! !

How to kill your wife

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man Walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in Single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, And I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral Like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is It?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Join the queue."

Monday, June 24, 2013

The man who wanted to be golf club president and his wife

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to becky. "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated one me?"

Becky replies."Oh Sam, why you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question...."

'Yes.Becky, I really want to know.Please.."

"Well.all right.Yes 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked

"Well, Sam remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more then ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?"

"Well, Sam,remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I cant believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing,you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number three?"

"Well, Sam,remember when a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and were 17 votes short......?"

Neither legal nor logical

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 25 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 18 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Little boy revenge

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. "

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said "No".

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed
and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the ASSHOLE who ran over my FROG!"

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"

DIRTY JOKE Two peeking sons

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

Sniffer dog

A man settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever between them in the middle seat.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.

‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.’

The plane took off and, once it had leveled out, the Policeman said ‘Watch this.’

He told Sniffer to ‘search’.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.

The Policeman said ‘Good boy’ and he turned to the man and said ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana. I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The dog sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.

The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’

‘I like it!’ said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on ?’

The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He just found a bomb.’

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Three eggs and $10,000

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.

"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.

"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"

"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."

Honeymoon and 4-letter words

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, ''How was the honeymoon?''

''Oh, mama,'' she replied, ''the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...''

Suddenly she burst out crying. ''But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!''

''Sarah,'' her mother said, ''calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?''

''Please don't make me tell you, mama,'' wept the daughter, ''I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!''

''Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!''

Still sobbing, the bride said, ''Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!''

Why woman is cleverer than man Part 3

Husband - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Husband - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Monday, June 17, 2013

Escaped gay convict

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you.

This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it.

"Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

If you have a flat tyre, call Microsoft software engineer

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.

The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."

The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."

The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."

Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."

Why woman is cleverer than man Part 2

One day, three men were trekking through a jungle when they came across a violent, raging river. They had no idea how to cross. So the first man decided to pray:

'Please, God, give me the strength to cross this river.' Immediately he grew enormous muscles in his arms and legs, and he managed to swim across the river in a couple of hours, nearly drowning twice.

The second man saw this and he prayed 'Please, God, give me the strength AND the tools to cross this river.' A boat appeared from nowhere, and he battled across the river in an hour, nearly capsizing twice.

The third man saw this and prayed 'Please, God, give me the strength, the tools AND the intelligence to cross this river.'

Immediately he turned into a woman. She looked at the map, walked upstream a hundred yards, and crossed over the bridge to the other side.

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

  1. Stress is when wife is pregnant,
  2. Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
  3. Panic is when both are pregnant.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Dominated men

God is a little tired of all the prayers from men and women asking for deliverance from their dominating spouses. One fine day, He decides to tackle the grouses of the men first, since he first created Man.

God comes down and says, "I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who dominated their women, and the other one for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk."

God takes a break and comes back. The women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there is only one man.

God gets furious and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you have all been whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Thursday, June 13, 2013

He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

Thursday, June 6, 2013

...but in reality man is much more cleverer than woman

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: About $5.00

(This is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 ...correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

Why woman is cleverer than man

One morning, the husband returns his fishing boat, to his lakeside cottage, after several hours of fishing, and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the fishing boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude, are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden, in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman, and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing here?'

"Reading a book,", she replies, thinking to herself, "Isn't that obvious!?"

'You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.

 The lady replies, "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading".

 He replies, "Yes, but I see that you have all the right equipment, to indulge in fishing?! For all I know, you could start, at any moment. I'll have to take you in, and write you up".

The woman replies, "If you do that, I'll have to charge you, with sexual assault" .

The Game Warden retorts, "But I haven't even touched you"?!.

The lady says, "That's true. But you have all the right equipment, for the same? For all I know, you could start, at any moment".

The man says, "Have yourself a nice day ma'am", and leaves.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Sexual harassment

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"

The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted
in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"

Monday, June 3, 2013

"Get the bag. Get the bag"

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "F*ck!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Why school should not teach sex education

Anna, 6 years old, gets home from school. She just had her first family planning lesson at school. Her mother, very interested, asks, " How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers!

"Why?" Her Mother asked.

Anna said, "Karen from down the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Peter in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed?"

"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"