Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I owe everything to my wife

Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

You could have

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and decide to stop for a rest.

They pull into a nice hotel and take a room, but they plan to sleep for only four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that, although it's a nice hotel, the rooms are certainly not worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and! wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here and you could have," explains the Manager

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is made out only for $50."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

How to wave a towel

An older gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Catholic wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the priest.

The priest listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion; "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm,"

They go home and follow the priest's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the priest.

"Okay", says the priest, "let's try it reversed; Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the priest's advice; The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

Another day, another dirty joke

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on
the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her s*cking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and
sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents!

Sunday, May 26, 2013

WARNING: This is a dirty joke

Harry and his wife were having hard financial times, so they decided she would become a hooker.

She wass not quite sure what to do, so Harry said, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulled up and said, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she said and ran back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replied.

She ran back and told the guy all he got for thirty dollars was a handjob.

He said okay, she got in the car, he unzipped his pants, and out popped a simply HUGE male unit.

She stared at it for a minute, and then said, "I'll be right back."

She ran back around the corner and said breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

The Indian Chief and the weatherman

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Thank you, FBI

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. One day, he decided that he would love to plant potatoes and herbs in his garden, but he knew he was alone and too old and weak. His son was in college in Paris, so the old man sent him an e-mail explaining the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden.
I am sure, if only you were here, that you would help me and dig up the garden for me. I love you, your father."

The following day, the old man received a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. That is where I have hidden the THING.' I love you, too, Ahmed."

At 4pm the FBI and the Rangers visited the house of the old man and took the whole garden apart, searching every inch. But they couldn't find anything. Dissappointed, they left the house. The next day, the old man received another e-mail from his son:

"Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That is all I could do for you from here. Your loving son, Ahmed".

The postman always rings twice

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they arrived home ..............................................................................................

..........................................................the postman was dead on their porch.

A lady and a Lexus

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

Friday, May 24, 2013

Monkey American and a Japanese

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to Burkina Faso when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind -ese are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"

Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.

The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!?"

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked "What kind of -kee" was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee am I?"

The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

Confused Red Indian

This Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say,Mom," he asked, "why is my bigger brother named 'Mighty Storm?"

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.",she replied.

"Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"

"Well," his mother answered, "Your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?"

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived," the mother replied.

The mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?!"

Thursday, May 23, 2013

How St Peter deal with a Nerw York lawyer

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

God and an atheist

An evil atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

Frequency of sex

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex.

To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?"


"Twice a month?"


When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.

The therapist was angry that his theory hadn’t worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"

Hold the camel for me

A guy is lost in the desert. All he has is a camel. He wants to have sex badly. He tries to mount the camel but when he is almost in, the camel suddenly walks away. The guy tries again and again with the same result and the guy gets really frustrated.

One day a plane crashes in that desert. The guy rushes there and all he can rescue is a beautiful young woman. He gives her food and water and she says gratefully, "I will do anything for you for saving my life, just name it."

The guy turns to her and says, "Hold the camel still."

Obsessed Mothers

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, d!ck, we're leaving!"

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Life is dirty...but these jokes dirtier

1 A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep? The next day, their driver died of poisoning.

2 A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked Dad why? ?He answered so that after I am dead, no one will ever sleep with your mum.

3 A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid replied, "Sir you are my witness. You know I never wear panties!"Cheers!

A conversation between a man and God

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.

How to lose 25kg in 7 days

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 35 kg as soon as possible due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself.

But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 5 kg weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"'

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day / 10 kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 10 kg, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely!", he replies. "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're

Best joke in Ireland

John Murphy hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Don't underestimate your wife

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess..'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Bob is dead

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Bob, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Bob had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Bob is dead!'

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Women's hottest fantasy

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy.

98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, ...........................................

it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Old woman and God

A 60 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up ?"

God said, "No, you have another 35 years to live"

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and tummy tuck.She even changed her hair color. Finally she was released from the hospital. While crossing the road on her way home, she was killed by a truck.

Arriving in front of God, she asked, "You said I had another 34 years 2 live. Why didn’t you save me from the truck?"

A husband and a wife

A husband calls up a hotel's manager from his room

Husband: Please come fast, I was having an argument with my wife and she says shes gonna jump out of the window.

Manager: Sir, I am sorry I can't help you, this seems to be a personal issue.

Husband: You idiot, this is a maintenance issue, the window isn't opening.

Have you ever made love to a ghost?

A professor at a South African University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many of you here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raised their hands.

'Touched a ghost?' 3 students raised their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Kabila raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience'.

When the student from Congo reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Kabila, tell us what is it like to have sex with a ghost?'

Kabila replied, " Sh!t, from way back there I thought you said GOATS!."

A golfer stranded on an island

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you come from?  How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem, she replied. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour."

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much but I call it home. Please sit down. Would you like a drink?"

No, thank you!," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, he goes upstairs to the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?

When he returns, she, smelling faintly of gardenias, greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,"We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"

Tiger Woods and an Irish man

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, knowing nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely
unaware of who the golfing supremo is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sor" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

Nuclear war between India and Pakistan

There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"

Sunday, May 19, 2013

A good wife

...... the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor; eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the drawer, takes out 500 bucks and gives it to him.

"Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight.... and remember that this happens only once... ok? Don’t think about it again," she said.

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returned and handed the money back to his wife and spoke with much disappointment: "She said this is not enough. She wants one thousand....."

His wife's face slowly turns red with anger.

"Damn that b****... when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I charged him only five hundreds ..."

The guy collapsed !

What makes a happy man?

What makes a happy man?

  1. Daughter on the cover of cosmo. 
  2. Son on the cover of sports illustrated. 
  3. Mistress on the cover of playboy and... 
  4. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The question is: Why did the chicken cross the road? Every famous and powerful person has different answers and grounds.

GEORGE W. BUSH (former American president)
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE (former American vice-president)
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represents the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.

HANS BLIX (former head of International Atomic Energy Agency)
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq's ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

HELEN CLARK (former New Zeland prime minister)
Unless the chicken had UN approval to cross, this is a blatant breach of international law.

MARIAN HOBBS (New Zealand politician)
Chickens must get resource consent to cross roads. Officials from the Ministry for the Environment will investigate the activities of this chicken.

DR. SEUSS (American poet)
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. (American activist)
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

JOHN LENNON (musician)
Imagine  -  chickens crossing roads everywhere - in peace.

FOX MULDER (actor)
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

BILL GATES (rich man)
I have just released e-Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook  - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON (the man who interned the intern)
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

Why handphone is the source of all divorces

A woman bought a new handphone SIM card. She put it in her handphone and decided to surprise her husband who was in the living room.

She went to the kitchen and called her husband, "Hello, darling".

Her husband replied in a low tone, "Let me call you back later, honey. The dumb lady is in the kitchen".

A Pakistani at a Thai massage parlour

A Pakistani is on his first trip to a massage parlour in Thailand and the Madam asks him to take a seat and relax. She sends a pretty young girl over to entertain him. They chat and giggle - she sits on his lap, and they cuddle. He leans over, and whispers into her ear. "Certainly not!" she replies - stands up and walks away.

Seeing this, the Madam sends a more experienced girl over. They chat and giggle - she sits on his lap, and they cuddle. He leans over, and whispers in her ear. "Oh no - you must be joking!" she screams.

The Madam is surprised that such an ordinary looking guy could ask for something so shocking that two of her girls have refused.

She decides to send LuLu over to the guy - (LuLu has never been known to refuse any request, no matter how weird.) The two chat and giggle - she sits on his lap, and they cuddle. He leans over, and whispers in her ear. "No way buddy" she shouts, and slaps him across the face.

The Madam is intrigued, she has never seen anything like this in all her years of working in massage parlors, and though she has not done "bedroom work" for many years, she is more than curious about the guy's request - so she decides to teach her employees a lesson. She goes over to the Pakistani herself, and tells him that she is the best in the house anyway - she sits on his lap, and they cuddle. He leans over, and whispers in her ear.

"Is it alright if I pay in Pakistani Currency?"

Friday, May 17, 2013

The greatest swordman ever

At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half.

The crowd cheered.

Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters.

A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman. His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way!

The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.

"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"

"Ah," replied the swordsman, "You weren't watching very carefully. The fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."

English kills

  1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the American.
  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
  3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
  4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
  5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Three golfers and a blonde

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

Blondes are not stupid

A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

Lawyers don't go to heaven

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died.

When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage. St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it. Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

Stupid judge, clever defendant

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them."

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy.

I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

Man riding my bicycle

A Missionary on the South Pacific Island was walking with the Village Chief teaching him English.

As they passed a stream the missionary pointed and said to the chief “Stream”

… The Chief looked and repeated “Stream” …

They walked a little further on the path and the Missionary pointed to a bird and said “Bird”

… The Chief looked and repeated “Bird” …

A little further down the path the missionary spotted a couple making love in the grass.  Not really knowing what to say to the chief … the missionary said “Man riding Bicycle” …

… The Chief looked and pulled 2 blow darts out and shot both of them dead.

The missionary was horrified and asked the chief why he did it

… The Chief replied “Man riding My Bicycle”

Why its better to buy a Ford car than a Microsoft Windows

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:
If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1... For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.
2... Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway  for no reason whatsoever.  You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4... Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8... Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.