Friday, March 29, 2013

Where is God?

There is a couple who has two little boys, ages 8 and 10. And they were excessively mischievous. They seem to always be getting into some trouble. And whenever there are mischievous that occurs in town, the parents knew that somehow, the boys were involved. When the boys' mother heard about a clergyman who has been very successful in disciplining children, and so she asks, if he would speak to her boys. And so the clergyman agree to ask and meet them separately. And so the mother sent the 8 year old son first in morning, with the 10 year old boy to see the clergyman later in the afternoon.

Well the clergyman was a very huge man and with very deep voice. And so he sat the younger boy down, and he said to him sternly "Where is God?". The boy's mouth just drop open, he couldn't say a word and his eyes were kind of bulk out. So the clergymen repeated the question again with a even sterner tone "Where is God?". Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. And finally the clergyman raise his very even higher, pointed his finger in the boy's face and said "Where is God?!". And the boy scream, he bolted from the room, ran directly home, dashed to his closet, and slam the door behind him.

When the older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for air, replied "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it".

African roulette

An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex. Take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them's a cannibal."

A father and his prostitute daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year.

Upon her return, her father cussed her, “Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us ? not even a line. Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?”

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff….”Dad. …I became a prostitute…”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are.”

“OK, Daddy– as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million cheque.. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club… (takes a breath)… and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Carribean and…”

“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.

Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff….”A prostitute Daddy!” Sniff, sniff.”

“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug.”

Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Two old men in a brothel

Two old men decided that they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference".

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, i think my girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that"?

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her".

His friend says "Could be worse. I think mine was a witch".

"A witch? Why the hell would you say that"?

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her"!