Monday, January 28, 2013

Obama jokes

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
 We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
 --Jay Leno


America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
 --Jay Leno


Q. Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
 A. Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
 --Conan O'Brien


Q. What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
 A. A fund raiser.
 --Jay Leno


Q. What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
 A. One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
 --David Letterman


Q. If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it
 started to sink, who would be saved?
 A. America!
 --Jimmy Fallon


Q. What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
 A. Bo has papers.
 --Jimmy Kimmel


Q. What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
 A. It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
 --David Letterman

Why judges are stupid

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

A shy guy

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Good news vs bad news

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor..."

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Two clever old men and a young stupid doorman

Two old men were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.”

Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”

First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”

He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”

The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

Two old men

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants..'

An old man and a hearing aid

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Warning: Dirty joke

A Punjabi woman says to her mother:

'I'm divorcing Kuldip.... all he wants is an*l sex and my a**hole is now the size of a 50 cent coin when it used to be the size of a 5 cent coin.'

Mother responds:

You're married to a millionaire lawyer ... You live in an 8 bedroom mansion in Taman Tun.... You drive a Mercedes ... You get RM10,000 a week allowance ... You take 6 vacations a year .....

.........and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?'