Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Taxi driver


A taxi passenger leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up and over a curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you okay? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.”

Car keys


I was looking for my keys.  They were not in my pockets.  A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.  Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.  My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.  As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.  His theory was right.  The parking lot was empty. 

I immediately called the police.  I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." 

There was a period of silence.  I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.  "Idiot", he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent.  Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep it's the golden years.

Malaysian Ah Beng in a New York bar


At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."

The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks," AND YOU, SIR?"


Ah Beng replies:" Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

Almost a dirty joke


A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

They're called Singaporeans!


Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a
deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I have made." Said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God' "and I've put life on it, I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and this one extremely cold, and this one covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said, "What's that one?" 


"Ah," said God. "That's Malaysia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Malaysia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE! So if Malaysians are going to be that great, you must've created some really corny people to balance them out"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting right next to them. They're called Singaporeans!"

A not so dirty joke for those dirty minds


There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed somehow to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.......... so what did she do?

??

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What are you thinking?

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HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!

Another Olympic joke


The final of the Hammer Throw. It's all come down to a Russian military officer, an American farmer and an unemployed Scouser.

The Russian throws first: 85 metres, just short of the world record.

Interviewed after the event he said, "My grandfather was in the military, my father was in the military and I am in the military. This gives me strength and discipline."

Then the American throws: 88 metres, breaking the world record.

Interviewed after the event he said, "My grandfather was a farmer, my father was a farmer and I am a farmer. This gives me strength and discipline."

The Scouser saunters up to the nets, gobs at the TV cameras and slings the hammer 95 metres, breaking the world record and winning gold for Great Britain.

Interviewed after the event he said, "My grandfather was unemployed, my father was unemployed and both said to me, 'If anyone ever puts a hammer in your hand, throw it as far as you f***ing can'."

Olympic condoms


Last week, a group of us were given a guided tour around the Olympic Stadium in London. At the end of the tour, we were each given a goodies bag. This included a pack of Olympic condoms.

When I got home, I showed them to my girlfriend.

"Olympic condoms?!" She said, "What is so special about them, then?"

I replied: "Well, they come in three colours: gold, silver and bronze."

"So, which one are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"The gold one of course," I said proudly.

She replied gently: "Why don't you put the silver one on? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The pirate captain and his brown pants


There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt.

After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir."

At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Happy 100th birthday


My mom called her friend May on her 100th birthday. “How are you going to celebrate?” she asked.

“My children are coming for the weekend,” May said happily.

“You must be looking forward to that,” Mom said.

“Yes,” May replied, “but it's a lot of work, washing the floors and making up their beds.”

“Why don't you wait and have the children do it?” Mom suggested.

“Oh, no, I couldn't do that,” May countered. “They're in their 80s!”

Sign of old age


He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the last 20 years without fail.

This 50th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... Yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?

"Why you silly man I said, Yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"

'Are you God's wife?'


An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. 


A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes...

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now..'

As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her:

'Are you God's wife?'

Saturday, July 14, 2012

A big, burly but clever landlord


A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Beware of your lover


After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear. 'That's me before the surgery.'

We go by results


A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

God and a Harley rider


A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

Monday, July 9, 2012

Three contest winners


There were three guys who won a contest.

They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose.

The first guy loved to have sex, so they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with.

The second guy loved to get drunk so they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year.

The third guy loved to smoke, so they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke.

Two hours later they heard the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door, but they said "ignore him, he's in there for a year".

A year later they let them out.

They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex.

The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk.

The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, " I forgot my lighter.

Praise the Lord!


There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!' Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!' The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: 'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'

4000 years of medicine


"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 BC - "Here, eat this root."
1000 BC - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 AD - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 AD - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Do you remember your wedding anniversary?


Another lawyer's joke


The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other

$125 I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit.

He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defense was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!

'Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones,sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others.

We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages." The defendant wrote out a check immediately. . . ! ! ! .

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Only a golfer can do it


After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.

As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Mr Bean jokes


MR. BEAN SEES A DOCTOR :

Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:

Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean : 9
Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

MR BEAN IN A DRUG STORE:

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

MR BEAN AT AN ATM MACHINE:

Friend : What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!


MR BEAN ON MARRIAGE:

Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend : Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.

MR BEAN CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:


Friend : How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend : What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

MR BEAN ON THE DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:

Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend : condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend : what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!

MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:


Colleague : Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean : That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.

MR BEAN ON SPELLING LESSON:

Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean : Make it three c to be sure!

Monday, July 2, 2012

Condom joke



A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday..”

“Cool” says the boy… He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?"

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March….up to December”

The boy replied; “I am not getting married!!!!”