Thursday, June 28, 2012

Why you should not get married!


Marriage Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the  wedding, he laid down the following rules: 


"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the  table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and  don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here  or not."

( SHE'S GOOD!)


Marriage Part II

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th  wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'


"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


Marriage Part III

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast  table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends  and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)


Marriage Part IV

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He  shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right  back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(YOU KNEW THAT WAS COMING!)

Wife or girlfriend?


A physicist, an accountant and a lawyer are all standing around at a party discussing if it's better to have a wife or a girlfriend.

The accountant says, “A girlfriend! No commitments, no hassles. When you get tired, you just move on.”  

The lawyer says, “One needs a wife. That way you have a representative; an extension of yourself at important gatherings with influential people.”  

The physicist says, “You're both wrong. You need a wife and a girlfriend. That way the wife thinks you're with the girlfriend, the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife and all the while you're at the lab doing research!”

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Big government


Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Government said," Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Government said," How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Government said," How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Government said," How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Government said," Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Government said," We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Beer, Fishing, Golf And Sex


A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man... "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex..."

A new boy in class


It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said: "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar who had his hand up: ’Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish 'from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class: 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our
country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*** the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put up his hand. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said: 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks: 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says: 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells: 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said: 'You little shit. If you say anything more, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice: 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said: 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly: 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'

Friday, June 15, 2012

An old lady and a persistent salesman


A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. '"I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Never lay off an office woman


One day Mr Smith,the president of a large corporation,called his vice-president Dave into his office and said,

"We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."

Dave looked at Mr Smith and said,

"Barbara is my best worker,but Jack has a wife and three kids.I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.Barbara was the first to come in,so Dave said,

"Barbara, I've got a problem.You see,I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do."

Barbara replied,

"You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."