Thursday, August 30, 2012
One day an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What's so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?"
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a b****."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a b****?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a b****."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A b****!!!"
A 2nd grade teacher decided to teach sex education to her class. She started out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asked the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
And little Johnny said, "Yes, my dad has two of them!"
And the teacher replied, "Are you sure about that?"
And little Johnny continued, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.
"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."
The golfer glances at his golf bag.
"Some new golf clubs would be nice," he says.
Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.
"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."
Once upon a time there was a princess who had a lovely garden. She really loved it and spent a lot of time playing in the garden.
One day, one of the guard suddenly got an idea. He buried himself under the ground and only let his didi stuck out like a mushroom.
The princess was really surprised to find a weird looking mushroom that she had never seen before in her beloved garden. Out of curiosity she began to poke it, pull it and became really surprised when the mushroom seemed to respond to her touch. It must be a magical mushroom she thought and began to roughly pulling at it and etc. Suddenly a weird white liquid splurt out of the mushroom and it began to wilt again. "What a weird kind of plant this is" she thought to herself self while rubbing the gooey white liquid.
That night surrounded by his colleagues the guard proudly boasted how he got the princess to play with his didi until he came all over her. Enthusiasms ran high in the barracks that night with none of them getting a wink of sleep at all.
The next morning, the princess enthusiastically rushed to her garden to experiment more with her new magical mushroom but to her surprise, she found her whole garden invaded by this weird mushroom.
Her assistant, seeing the princess stunned by the sudden invasion of the mushroom on her lovely garden began to shout orders.
"CALL THE ROYAL GARDENER AND GET A LAWNMOWER TO CLEAR ALL THESE MUSHROOMS!"
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!
A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, "When you shake hand with President Obama, please say 'How are you?'. Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'Me too'. Afterward we, translators, will do the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is...
When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'Who are you?' (Instead of 'How are you?'.)
Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: 'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha...'
Then Mori replied 'Me too, ha-ha...'
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represents the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq's ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it
Unless the chicken had UN approval to cross, this is a blatant breach of international law.
Chickens must get resource consent to cross roads. Officials from the Ministry for the Environment will investigate the activities of this chicken.
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed, I've not been told!
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Imagine - chickens crossing roads everywhere - in peace.
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
I have just released e-Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge love bite on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!
Hell, she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her BRA and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each one of her...He gently pinches them as well. He pushes her assets together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her assets, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Sunday, August 26, 2012
A boy and his father visiting from Burkina Faso were at a large multi-story shopping mall in Portland, Oregon. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, father?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles lit up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Quick! Go get your mother."
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!"
Friday, August 24, 2012
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
The monkey motioned “Screwing.”
“They were screwing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
"I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defence."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $100,000, and I just found out about it!"
Thursday, August 16, 2012
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
A lady gets on a public bus. Without saying a word, she gestures to the bus driver by sticking her thumb on her nose and waving her fingers at the driver. The driver acknowledges the lady, turns to her and uses both hands in the same type of gesture and waves all his fingers at her.
The woman holds her right arm out at the driver and chops at it a few times with her left hand. Then the driver puts his left hand on his right bicep and jerks his right arm up in a fist at her. The woman then cups both of her hands under her breasts and lifts gently. So the driver places both of his hands at his crotch and gently lifts up.
Then the woman frowns, runs a finger up between her derriere, and gets off the bus.
There is another woman sitting in the front row of the bus who witnessed the whole exchange. She speaks up, "That was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen on a public bus! What the hell were you doing?"
"Listen lady," states the gruff bus driver, "the lady that got on the bus before was a deaf-mute. She asked me if the bus went to 5th Street. I said no, we go to 10th Street. She asked if we make many stops. I told her that this was the express. She asked if we go by the dairy, and I told her we go by the ballpark. She said "Sh#t, I'm on the wrong bus!" and got off."
Sunday, August 12, 2012
A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp Pri*ks"!!!
Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics".
Thursday, August 9, 2012
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapsed to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital . A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A husband and his wife were touring their brand new house. It was a house that the husband had paid for with his money, a fact of which he constantly reminded his wife. In each room of the house he said to her : "Darling, if it were not for my money, we would not be here."
The wife didn't say a word.
That afternoon a truck delivered a load of new furniture... furniture which the husband paid for with his money. After the furniture was in its place, they toured the house again. As they observed each room, beautifully appointed and magnificently decorated, the husband again reminded her: "Darling, if it were not for my money, this furniture would not be here."
Again, the wife was silent.
Late in the afternoon another truck came with a special piece of furniture which was to be the focal point of the family room. It was a combination stereo-television-computer center all wrapped into one gorgeous piece of furniture. The husband paid for it with his money. When it was in place, the husband again said: "Darling, if it were not for my money, that beautiful electronics system would not be here."
Finally, the wife spoke: "Honey, I don't want to make you feel bad, but... if it were not for your money, I wouldn't be here either!"
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
How To Shower Like A Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks..
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair..
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Rinse off and get out of shower..
Partially dry off
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Monday, August 6, 2012
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market
2. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker . The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW
3. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
4. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it
5. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar
6. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.
''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Woman"