Monday, April 30, 2012

How to explain sex to your computer-savvy kids

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said

You got Male!

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Oh my God!

4 guys and 1 lady were having coffee and they were talking about the topic of their kids

So the 1st man says to his friends, "My son is a priest when he walk into a room people call him 'Father'
so what about your's?"

The 2nd man says, "My son is a Bishop. When he walk into a room people call him 'Your Grace'"

The 3rd man says, "My Son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Eminence'"

The 4th man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'"

The lady just sits there quietly and listen and the guys turn to her and ask "what about your child?"

She replies, "I don't have a son, but I do have a daughter, she is slim, tall , silky long hair and 38D-24-36.
when she walks into the room, people say 'OH MY GOD'"

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Another day, another stupid lawyer

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex?"

That bull got the big city lawyer

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.

The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.

The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the cheque, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success.

Telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Friday, April 27, 2012

God in the limo

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican  when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that.  I'd lose my job!  What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.  The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.  (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop:  'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Men's ultimate fantasy

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Divorced Barbie

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes tothe Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”

“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…..”

How to stop a divorce

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Money talks

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says, "I wanna open a f**king savings account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated here."

She goes to the bank manager to complain. The manager agrees such foul language can't be accepted. They both return to the window and ask the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here? "

Old man: "There is no f**king problem, I just won $200 million bucks in the f**king lottery and I want to put my f**king money in this f**king bank."

Manager: "I see, and is this bitch giving you a f**king hard time sir?"

Moral of the story: When money talks, nobody checks the Grammar!

Why women are stupid!

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

Why golfers are stupid!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots".

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it and I have faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Maam, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt," before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hel_l out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Glenfiddich Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time for the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father came up, knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb said, "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

Why all lawyers end up in hell

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires.."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire", and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."


After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

Friday, April 20, 2012

You bastard

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beatingyour mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,

but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded,

"For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Jamaican slipper

While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe store.

The salesman said to them, "I have some very special Jamaican sandals I think you would be interested in.
They make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try them on, Mon."

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got them on the wrong feet! 'You got them on the wrong feet!

Confucius did not say this

“A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!!!”

Clever Johnny vs stupid teacher

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

An angry Teacher: Where the in hell do you get seven from ?

Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a cat at home!!!

Man riding a bike

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Looking for loopholes

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.

She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.

The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?"

He shouted "I'm looking for loopholes!"

How to kill a lawyer

A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared.

"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.

"But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."

First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie.

"What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.

The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Two men and a woman ........ stranded on an island

There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

• 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
• 2 French men and 1 French woman
• 2 German men and 1 German woman
• 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
• 2 English men and 1 English woman
• 2 Macedonian men and 1 Macedonian woman.

One month later on this beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere...

• The first Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
• The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".
• The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
• The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
• The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
• The Macedonian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Macedonian woman and started swimming.

Between life and death you need a good mouthwash

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really," he said, "have you tried a good mouthwash?"

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I died of shame!

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school. She had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers!

"Why?" Her Mother asked.

Annie said, "Koos from down the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Piet in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly "But that's no reason to be ashamed?"

"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that daddy had to make me himself!"

Big words for big people

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, 'Winnie the SHIT'

Are you really clever? Try this

I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers, F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:

7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
R34D1NG 17
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.

A lady lying about her age

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas.

She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, 'What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?'

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, 'I don't know... why don't you play your age?'

He walks away.

Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.

The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, 'What happened? Is she all right?'

The operator replies, 'I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up, then she just fainted!'

Two stupid lawyers in court

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.

His lawyer argued, "Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years."

"Your Honor," the plaintiff's lawyer retorted, "if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over sixty years!"

Sunday, April 15, 2012

A nun, a priest and a dead camel

A nun and a  priest were crossing the  Sahara Desert on a  camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly  dropped dead.

After dusting themselves off,  the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.  After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.  'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I  know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely  that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since  we are unlikely to make it out of here alive,  would you do something for me?'

'Anything,  Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's  breasts and I was wondering if I might see  yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I  don't see that it would do any  harm.'

The Nun opened  her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her  shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their  beauty.

'Sister, would  you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented  and he fondled them for several  minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of  you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never  seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I  suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied  lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch  it?'

The priest consented and after a few  minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge  erection.

'Sister, you know that if I  insert my penis in the right place, it can Give  Life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes,  it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's  wonderful .... Stick it in the camel and let's get  the hell out of here!'

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Wedding as an investment

Wedding Investment In Malaysia (Average 30 yrs)

RM50,000 Marriage expenses.
RM2,000 Monthly expenditure.
RM1,000 Wife's monthly maintenance.


First 5 years Weekly 3 Times.
Next 5 years Weekly 1 Time.
Next 10 years Once in 15 days.
Next 10 years Once in a month.


1,400 times sex in 30 years for an estimated expenditure of a whopping: RM1,130,000 +
Opportunity cost on RM50,000 spent on wedding at 3% for 30 years = RM121,363

TOTAL COST = RM1,251,363


A man spends RM893 each time he has sex with his wife.

CONCLUSION: Outsourcing is cheaper.

One day in a supermarket

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

Signs of times, signs in English

In a Bangkok Temple:

Cocktail lounge in Norway:

Doctor's office in Rome:

Dry cleaners in Bangkok:

In a Nairobi restaurant:

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:

On a poster at Kencom:

In a city restaurant:

In a cemetery:

Tokyo hotel rules and regulations:

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

In a Tokyo bar:

In a Hotel in Yugoslavia:

A Hotel in Japan:

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

A Hotel in Zurich:

An advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

At an Airline ticket office in Copenhagen:

In a Laundry in Rome:

And finally:
Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:

Extracted from

Friday, April 13, 2012

Where do lawyers come from?

An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school and asks mom a burning question.

"Mom, she starts tentatively, can you get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Don’t be silly sweetheart, of course you can." replies her mother, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

Incorruptible judge

Taking his seat in chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “I have been presented by both of you with a bribe,” the judge began. Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, Attorney Leoni, gave me $15,000. And you, Attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.”

The judge reached in his pocket a pulled out a check, which he handed to Leoni. “Now, then, I’m returning $5,000, and we are going to decide this case solely on its merits.”

A tale of suspicious wife

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the Maid.

So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her....

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...

"No madam", said the Gardener…

Thursday, April 12, 2012

A golfer and a dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anythingto kill the pain.

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show him your tooth."

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Think you are clever. Try to answer these!

What disease did cured ham have?

What's the difference between unique and very unique?

When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?

Can you cry under water?

Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?

Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?

Why are actors IN movies but ON television?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?

Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?

Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?

Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?

We say, "It's Greek to me." What do the Greeks say?

Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stand on all four feet? They're both dogs.

On Gilligan's Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?

If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?

Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?

Monday, April 9, 2012

Banking Crisis As Explained By An Irishman

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

All lawyers are assholes!

A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, he says to no one in particular, "All lawyers are assholes."

The fellow next to him lit into him. "How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes? How have you missed that it's just not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying something like that about any other group of people and you'd get slugged. And you should! If you weren't such a jerk, I'd pour my drink all over you, but you're not worth the cost of my drink."

The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized. "Look, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," he says, "By the way, what kind of lawyer are you?"

"Lawyer? I'm no lawyer, you idiot. I'm an asshole!"

Saturday, April 7, 2012

I want a divorce

A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together.

After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife says, "Seven weeks."

If not for your money

John and Roberta were touring their brand new house. It was a house that Roberta had paid for with her money, a fact of which she constantly reminded John.

In each room of the house she said: "John, if it were not for my money, we would not be here."

John didn't say a word.

That afternoon a truck delivered a load of new furniture which Roberta paid for with her money.

After the furniture was in its place, they toured the house again.

As they observed each room, beautifully appointed and magnificently decorated, Roberta reminded her husband: "John, if it were not for my money,
this furniture would not be here."

Again, John was silent.

Late in the afternoon another truck came with a special piece of furniture which was to be the focal point of the family room.

It was a combination stereo-television-computer center all wrapped into one gorgeous piece of furniture. Roberta paid for it with her money.

When it was in place, Roberta again said: "John, if it were not for my money, that beautiful electronics system would not be here."

Finally, John spoke: "Honey, I don't want to make you feel bad, but...if it were not for your money, I wouldn't be here either!"

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Thanks God for the internet

Mother: "How's your History paper coming?"

Son: "Well, my History Professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful."

Mother: "Really?"

Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell them!"

Are you a submissive homosexual?

A young guy has been sent to prison for stealing a car. It's his first time in the joint and he's really scared and starts crying. An old convict walks up and asks why he's crying. The boy replies that he doesn't think he can handle prison life.

"It's not so bad" says the old convict. "Do you like baseball?"

"Yes" replies the young guy. "A lot"

"Well you're gonna love Mondays. We all go down to the exercise yard and have a mini baseball league. The winning team gets extra privileges like an LCD TV in their cells. Do you like BBQ?" ask the convict.

"Yes" replies the young guy" I love it" in a brighter voice

"Well you're gonna love Tuesdays. We all go down to the exercise yard and have a great BBQ cookout. All the steak you can eat. Do you like movies?

"Yes cries the lad happily ."It's my favourite hobby watching a good movie"

"Well you're gonna love Wednesdays. We all go down to the exercise yard and watch a first run movie on a big screen. Just one more question. Are you a submissive homosexual?"

"No!" replies the lad, utterly shocked.

"Well, you're gonna HATE Thursdays"