This indeed is worrisome. Beer contains female hormones.
Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
A woman and a man were involved in a car accident; it was a bad one.
Both of their cars were totally demolished but amazingly neither of them were hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle to the man, The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it and drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle and immediately put the cork back in and handed it back to the man.
The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Queensland with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box,
we're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."
In 1993 the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
After one year and $80,000 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex
After the study was published, the University of Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex
The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $100, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead!
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again--but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A man was driving down the road and his car broke down near a monastery. He went to the monastery, knocked on the door and said, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accepted him, fed him dinner, and even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a strange sound; a sound like no other that he had ever heard .
The next morning he asked the monks what the sound was but the monk said he could not tell him because he was not a monk.
The man was disappointed but thanked the monk anyway and went about his merry way. Some years later, the same man with the same car broke down in front of the same monastery.
The monks once again accepted him, fed him, and fixed his car.
That night he heard the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning he asked what the sound was but the monks replied, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk.."
The man said, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks replied, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man set about this task. Some forty-five years later, he returned and knocked on the door of the monastery.
He said, "I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.."
The monks led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk said, "The sound is behind that door."
The man reached for the knob but the door was locked. He asked, "May I have the key?"
The monks gave him the key, and he opened the door. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone. The man requested the key to the stone door. The monks gave him the key, and he opened it only to find another door made of ruby. He demanded another key from the monk, who provided it. Behind that door wass another door, this one made of sapphire.. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks said, "This is the key to the last door..."
The man was relieved to be at the end. He unlocked the door, turned the knob, and behind that door he was astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It was truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
.......... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
An engineer died and St. Peter mistakenly ticked his profession as a lawyer and he was sent to hell instead of heaven.
So, the engineer reported to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer was dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and started designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer became a pretty popular guy.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replied, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan said, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God said, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed hilariously and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer up there in heaven?"
The mama-san opened the brothel door in Bukit Bintang and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Halimah."
"Sir, Halimah is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the mama-san.
He replied, "No, I must see Halimah."
Just then, Halimah appeared and announced to the man she charged RM5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand ringgit and gave it to Halimah, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Halimah. Halimah explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still RM5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Halimah, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Halimah and they went upstairs.
After their session, Halimah said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Pasir Mas."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Pasir Mas."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her lawyer. She asked me to give you your RM15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
A Corsican Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.
" Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Jim feared his wife Doris wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and ask her a question in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Jim was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Doris, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Doris, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this) "For God's sake, Jim, for the FIFTH time, its CHICKEN!"
On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.
When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .....
... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over this weekend. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a package labeled "Viagra Extra Strength" and said, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The guy says, "Give me three boxes."
The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, "give me a jar of Tiger Balm."
The pharmacist replies, "Tiger Balm? You don't want to put Tiger Balm on that!"
The man says, "No, it's for my arms - the girls didn't show up."
Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
* My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
* Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
* This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
* Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
* Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
* Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
* Hi. Now YOU say something.
* Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
* Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But, sir! I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"