Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Four engineers are travelling in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, one a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and the other one an engineer from Microsoft.
The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer.
"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing and say.
They ask him, "What do you think?"
"Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open the windows again."
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbours who feared the woman the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed she practised black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. She was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
She died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the husband went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of his actions were becoming extreme while his neighbours approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this woman who practised black magic and stated when she died she would dig her way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The man put down his drink and said, "Let the bitch dig. I had her buried face down."
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Alabama School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
Monday, November 5, 2012
Maid: What do you want, sir?
Visitor: I want to see your master.
Maid: What’s your business, please?
Visitor: There is a bill...
Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village...
Visitor: Which I have to pay him...
Maid: And he returned this morning.
A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking.
To everyone’s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away . ‘Weren’t you afraid?’ one of the workers asked the boy.
‘Not at all,’ the boy replied , ‘I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.’
Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.
‘How are you going to travel on a single ticket?’ asked a lawyer.
‘Wait and watch,’ answered one of the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, ‘Ticket please.’ The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.
So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy any. ‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asked one of the perplexed lawyers.
‘Wait and watch,’ answered an engineer.
In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, ‘Ticket, please.’
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing
fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-two).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even care?'
An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair.
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
Sunday, October 28, 2012
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and
she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do" she said.
''Does it hurt you", he asked?
"No. I rather like it!"
''Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course", the doctor replied. "Where do you think politicians come from.....?"
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. “Wow!” he said. “Just think of the score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!”
Sunday, October 14, 2012
A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.
"For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."
When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"
"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"
"I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was."
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate:
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer.
He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."
After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested. "
The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."
Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there".
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Thursday, August 30, 2012
One day an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What's so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?"
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a b****."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a b****?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a b****."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A b****!!!"
A 2nd grade teacher decided to teach sex education to her class. She started out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asked the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
And little Johnny said, "Yes, my dad has two of them!"
And the teacher replied, "Are you sure about that?"
And little Johnny continued, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.
"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."
The golfer glances at his golf bag.
"Some new golf clubs would be nice," he says.
Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.
"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."
Once upon a time there was a princess who had a lovely garden. She really loved it and spent a lot of time playing in the garden.
One day, one of the guard suddenly got an idea. He buried himself under the ground and only let his didi stuck out like a mushroom.
The princess was really surprised to find a weird looking mushroom that she had never seen before in her beloved garden. Out of curiosity she began to poke it, pull it and became really surprised when the mushroom seemed to respond to her touch. It must be a magical mushroom she thought and began to roughly pulling at it and etc. Suddenly a weird white liquid splurt out of the mushroom and it began to wilt again. "What a weird kind of plant this is" she thought to herself self while rubbing the gooey white liquid.
That night surrounded by his colleagues the guard proudly boasted how he got the princess to play with his didi until he came all over her. Enthusiasms ran high in the barracks that night with none of them getting a wink of sleep at all.
The next morning, the princess enthusiastically rushed to her garden to experiment more with her new magical mushroom but to her surprise, she found her whole garden invaded by this weird mushroom.
Her assistant, seeing the princess stunned by the sudden invasion of the mushroom on her lovely garden began to shout orders.
"CALL THE ROYAL GARDENER AND GET A LAWNMOWER TO CLEAR ALL THESE MUSHROOMS!"
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!
A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, "When you shake hand with President Obama, please say 'How are you?'. Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'Me too'. Afterward we, translators, will do the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is...
When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'Who are you?' (Instead of 'How are you?'.)
Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: 'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha...'
Then Mori replied 'Me too, ha-ha...'
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represents the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq's ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it
Unless the chicken had UN approval to cross, this is a blatant breach of international law.
Chickens must get resource consent to cross roads. Officials from the Ministry for the Environment will investigate the activities of this chicken.
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed, I've not been told!
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Imagine - chickens crossing roads everywhere - in peace.
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
I have just released e-Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge love bite on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!
Hell, she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her BRA and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each one of her...He gently pinches them as well. He pushes her assets together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her assets, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Sunday, August 26, 2012
A boy and his father visiting from Burkina Faso were at a large multi-story shopping mall in Portland, Oregon. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, father?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles lit up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Quick! Go get your mother."
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!"
Friday, August 24, 2012
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
The monkey motioned “Screwing.”
“They were screwing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
"I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defence."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $100,000, and I just found out about it!"
Thursday, August 16, 2012
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
A lady gets on a public bus. Without saying a word, she gestures to the bus driver by sticking her thumb on her nose and waving her fingers at the driver. The driver acknowledges the lady, turns to her and uses both hands in the same type of gesture and waves all his fingers at her.
The woman holds her right arm out at the driver and chops at it a few times with her left hand. Then the driver puts his left hand on his right bicep and jerks his right arm up in a fist at her. The woman then cups both of her hands under her breasts and lifts gently. So the driver places both of his hands at his crotch and gently lifts up.
Then the woman frowns, runs a finger up between her derriere, and gets off the bus.
There is another woman sitting in the front row of the bus who witnessed the whole exchange. She speaks up, "That was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen on a public bus! What the hell were you doing?"
"Listen lady," states the gruff bus driver, "the lady that got on the bus before was a deaf-mute. She asked me if the bus went to 5th Street. I said no, we go to 10th Street. She asked if we make many stops. I told her that this was the express. She asked if we go by the dairy, and I told her we go by the ballpark. She said "Sh#t, I'm on the wrong bus!" and got off."
Sunday, August 12, 2012
A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp Pri*ks"!!!
Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics".
Thursday, August 9, 2012
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapsed to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital . A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A husband and his wife were touring their brand new house. It was a house that the husband had paid for with his money, a fact of which he constantly reminded his wife. In each room of the house he said to her : "Darling, if it were not for my money, we would not be here."
The wife didn't say a word.
That afternoon a truck delivered a load of new furniture... furniture which the husband paid for with his money. After the furniture was in its place, they toured the house again. As they observed each room, beautifully appointed and magnificently decorated, the husband again reminded her: "Darling, if it were not for my money, this furniture would not be here."
Again, the wife was silent.
Late in the afternoon another truck came with a special piece of furniture which was to be the focal point of the family room. It was a combination stereo-television-computer center all wrapped into one gorgeous piece of furniture. The husband paid for it with his money. When it was in place, the husband again said: "Darling, if it were not for my money, that beautiful electronics system would not be here."
Finally, the wife spoke: "Honey, I don't want to make you feel bad, but... if it were not for your money, I wouldn't be here either!"
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
How To Shower Like A Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks..
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair..
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Rinse off and get out of shower..
Partially dry off
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Monday, August 6, 2012
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market
2. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker . The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW
3. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
4. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it
5. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar
6. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.
''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Woman"
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
A taxi passenger leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up and over a curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you okay? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.”
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Idiot", he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
Yep it's the golden years.
At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks," AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah Beng replies:" Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a
deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I have made." Said God.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God' "and I've put life on it, I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and this one extremely cold, and this one covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Malaysia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Malaysia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE! So if Malaysians are going to be that great, you must've created some really corny people to balance them out"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting right next to them. They're called Singaporeans!"
There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed somehow to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.......... so what did she do?
What are you thinking?
HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!
The final of the Hammer Throw. It's all come down to a Russian military officer, an American farmer and an unemployed Scouser.
The Russian throws first: 85 metres, just short of the world record.
Interviewed after the event he said, "My grandfather was in the military, my father was in the military and I am in the military. This gives me strength and discipline."
Then the American throws: 88 metres, breaking the world record.
Interviewed after the event he said, "My grandfather was a farmer, my father was a farmer and I am a farmer. This gives me strength and discipline."
The Scouser saunters up to the nets, gobs at the TV cameras and slings the hammer 95 metres, breaking the world record and winning gold for Great Britain.
Interviewed after the event he said, "My grandfather was unemployed, my father was unemployed and both said to me, 'If anyone ever puts a hammer in your hand, throw it as far as you f***ing can'."
Last week, a group of us were given a guided tour around the Olympic Stadium in London. At the end of the tour, we were each given a goodies bag. This included a pack of Olympic condoms.
When I got home, I showed them to my girlfriend.
"Olympic condoms?!" She said, "What is so special about them, then?"
I replied: "Well, they come in three colours: gold, silver and bronze."
"So, which one are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"The gold one of course," I said proudly.
She replied gently: "Why don't you put the silver one on? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
Thursday, July 19, 2012
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt.
After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir."
At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
My mom called her friend May on her 100th birthday. “How are you going to celebrate?” she asked.
“My children are coming for the weekend,” May said happily.
“You must be looking forward to that,” Mom said.
“Yes,” May replied, “but it's a lot of work, washing the floors and making up their beds.”
“Why don't you wait and have the children do it?” Mom suggested.
“Oh, no, I couldn't do that,” May countered. “They're in their 80s!”
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the last 20 years without fail.
This 50th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... Yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?
"Why you silly man I said, Yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"
An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes...
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now..'
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her:
'Are you God's wife?'
Saturday, July 14, 2012
A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear. 'That's me before the surgery.'
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
Monday, July 9, 2012
There were three guys who won a contest.
They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose.
The first guy loved to have sex, so they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with.
The second guy loved to get drunk so they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year.
The third guy loved to smoke, so they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke.
Two hours later they heard the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door, but they said "ignore him, he's in there for a year".
A year later they let them out.
They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex.
The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk.
The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, " I forgot my lighter.
There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!' Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!' The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: 'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 BC - "Here, eat this root."
1000 BC - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 AD - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 AD - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Thursday, July 5, 2012
The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.
One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other
$125 I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit.
He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defense was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!
'Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones,sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others.
We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages." The defendant wrote out a check immediately. . . ! ! ! .
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.
As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
MR. BEAN SEES A DOCTOR :
Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean : 9
Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
MR BEAN IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
MR BEAN AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend : What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
MR BEAN ON MARRIAGE:
Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend : Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
MR BEAN CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend : How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend : What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
MR BEAN ON THE DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend : condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend : what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague : Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean : That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
MR BEAN ON SPELLING LESSON:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean : Make it three c to be sure!
Monday, July 2, 2012
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday..”
“Cool” says the boy… He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?"
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March….up to December”
The boy replied; “I am not getting married!!!!”
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Marriage Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
( SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage Part II
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage Part III
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
Marriage Part IV
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(YOU KNEW THAT WAS COMING!)
A physicist, an accountant and a lawyer are all standing around at a party discussing if it's better to have a wife or a girlfriend.
The accountant says, “A girlfriend! No commitments, no hassles. When you get tired, you just move on.”
The lawyer says, “One needs a wife. That way you have a representative; an extension of yourself at important gatherings with influential people.”
The physicist says, “You're both wrong. You need a wife and a girlfriend. That way the wife thinks you're with the girlfriend, the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife and all the while you're at the lab doing research!”
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Government said," Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Government said," How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Government said," How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Government said," How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Government said," Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Government said," We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man... "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex..."
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said: "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar who had his hand up: ’Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish 'from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class: 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our
country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*** the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put up his hand. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said: 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks: 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says: 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells: 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said: 'You little shit. If you say anything more, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice: 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said: 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly: 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'
Friday, June 15, 2012
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. '"I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
Sunday, June 3, 2012
One day Mr Smith,the president of a large corporation,called his vice-president Dave into his office and said,
"We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."
Dave looked at Mr Smith and said,
"Barbara is my best worker,but Jack has a wife and three kids.I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.Barbara was the first to come in,so Dave said,
"Barbara, I've got a problem.You see,I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do."
"You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?
"He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
From the Sydney Morning Hearld, Australia, comes this story of a central west couple whose car broke down in a parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed it there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.
The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, “We have all of the judges.”
An economist had finished his day at work and was leaving for home, when he noticed a small boy call out to him from the footpath where he was sitting with a dog.
The boy said, "Sir, would you like to buy a dog."
The economist was surprised by the approach, but asked nevertheless, "How much are you selling the dog for?"
The boy replied "Twenty thousand dollars."
"Twenty thousand dollars for this dog!" the economist exclaimed. "Does he know any special tricks to make him worth so much money?"
The boy replied, "Sir, this dog never made a dime in his life. If you take into consideration the expenses on his food, I think you will lose money on him every year."
The economist did not want to let go the opportunity to lecture the boy about the principles of economics and explained to him the fact that a commodity needed to yield more returns than it consumed to equal a purchase price.
He finished by saying that the five dollars could be the maximum sum that should be expected for the dog, that too from somebody who just wanted a companion. Feeling satisfied with the knowledge that he had imparted to the young boy, the economist went away.
A few days later, the economist again noticed the small boy was again sitting on the footpath but this time there was no dog in sight. He asked the boy, "Did you get the five dollars for your dog?"
The boy said, "No, I got twenty thousand dollars for him."
The economist was stunned. "How on earth did you get twenty thousand dollars for that dog?" he asked.
"It was a piece of cake," replied the boy. "I traded him for two ten thousand dollar cats."
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Monday, April 30, 2012
A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said
You got Male!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
4 guys and 1 lady were having coffee and they were talking about the topic of their kids
So the 1st man says to his friends, "My son is a priest when he walk into a room people call him 'Father'
so what about your's?"
The 2nd man says, "My son is a Bishop. When he walk into a room people call him 'Your Grace'"
The 3rd man says, "My Son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Eminence'"
The 4th man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'"
The lady just sits there quietly and listen and the guys turn to her and ask "what about your child?"
She replies, "I don't have a son, but I do have a daughter, she is slim, tall , silky long hair and 38D-24-36.
when she walks into the room, people say 'OH MY GOD'"
Saturday, April 28, 2012
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex?"
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.
The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the cheque, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success.
Telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
Friday, April 27, 2012
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'