Monkey American and a Japanese

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to Burkina Faso when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind -ese are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"

Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.

The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!?"

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked "What kind of -kee" was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee am I?"

The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

Confused Red Indian

This Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say,Mom," he asked, "why is my bigger brother named 'Mighty Storm?"

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.",she replied.

"Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"

"Well," his mother answered, "Your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?"

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived," the mother replied.

The mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?!"

How St Peter deal with a Nerw York lawyer

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

God and an atheist

An evil atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

Frequency of sex

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex.

To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?"

"No."

"Twice a month?"

"No."

When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.

The therapist was angry that his theory hadn’t worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"

Hold the camel for me

A guy is lost in the desert. All he has is a camel. He wants to have sex badly. He tries to mount the camel but when he is almost in, the camel suddenly walks away. The guy tries again and again with the same result and the guy gets really frustrated.

One day a plane crashes in that desert. The guy rushes there and all he can rescue is a beautiful young woman. He gives her food and water and she says gratefully, "I will do anything for you for saving my life, just name it."

The guy turns to her and says, "Hold the camel still."

Obsessed Mothers

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, d!ck, we're leaving!"